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How To Get Out Of Talking

Posted on | February 24, 2010 | No Comments

It happens to all of us. Sooner or later, you will be forced to compose audible grunts into meaningful sequences and transmit them over the slower than snail speed of sound. Additionally, you must block until receiving an ACK over the same medium, often requesting even more transformation of thoughts into similar mutually understood grunts.

Do not despair. There is a way out of this.

Step 1: Prepare for the inevitable.

Always carry a child’s white board, you know the kind, its in the shape of Dora or Scooby Doo. It has some  laminated plastic sheets on it that vaguely resemble a note book and often comes with a crayon that breaks as soon as you touch it. You can find these in most Dollar stores. If you are a grown man, I recommend one that says Dora or Cinderella, it adds to the effect. For grown women it gets tougher, seek out “He-Man” on ebay.

Additionally, get a reliable crayon. I recommend Crayola from experience, your mileage might vary.

Step 2: Perfect your costume.

If you are a man that shaves, go without shaving until the point that people start lighting matches on your stubble to make fun of you. If you are a woman that shaves, do the same. If you are a woman or man that does not shave, try applying make-up while wearing a blindfold, in excess.  The goal is to avoid these kinds of situations, after all.

Step 3: Compose your script.

This can be as simple as being prepared to say that you are deaf (albeit selectively, but leave that part out) person that refuses to succumb to reading lips. If you do this, learn sign language first, it helps when you meet someone else who knows it. For better results, put your hands in braces and casts and wear a very large eye patch.

If you don’t want to learn sign language and can be quick with your crayon, here is a sample script:

They injected me just a few hours ago. I don’t remember their faces, but they are watching. My punishment was to speak only in palindromes for three weeks, I got off lightly.  Go away for your own safety. RADAR … RADAR … RADAR … RADAR!!!

Subtly allude to a membership in your favorite lunatic of the week organization.

Step 4: Begin having a reaction to some kind of experimental glow in the dark injection that someone far away just activated:

If you swish your saliva around for long enough, you’ll end up making foam. Let it escape over your lips at the typical zombie who got anal probed rate, a few centimeters per second depending on foam production. Additionally, you can fake a nasty cough while covering your mouth and taking in a dye capsule all at the same time for the added effect of a Technicolor yawn. I recommend 80′s puke green, your mileage may vary. If you open your mouth fully, extol the most putrid audible resonance that you can muster. Twitching at this point is optional, but effective.

Step 5: Profit or run like hell

Depending on your location and the person that was talking to you, they have either retreated to their own cubicle or called park police. The presence of a SWAT team indicates the latter.

This works especially well on those who open conversations with phrases like (buzzwords italicized) “How do we dynamically increase our ROI based on FMD (fair market data) in real time based on the user’s time zone and cookie ingredients? We can do that with Javascript, right??”‘

To the jackass that asked me to do this today:, I quit and you still owe me money.

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